Artificial Intelligence

INSPECTOR: (Addressing the Professor) Are you trying to tell me this thing thinks for itself?

PROFESSOR: That’s exactly what I’m saying.

INSPECTOR: How can it; it’s just a laptop computer?

PROFESSOR: Well; if you’d turn it on you’ll see what I mean.

INSPECTOR: (Turning to Sergeant Web) Sergeant; switch this damn thing on.

SERGEANT: Certainly Sir. (The Sergeant goes to the computer and switches it on)

COMPUTER: Good Morning Sergeant Web.

SERGEANT: What? Who said that?

COMPUTER: I did of course. I noticed you have a very sensitive touch when you turned me on.

INSPECTOR: OK. Who’s playing games here?

PROFESSOR: I can assure you; no one’s playing games. Isn’t that right Tom.

TOM: It’s the pooter, its come alive.

COMPUTER: Please don’t call me a pooter – I’m a very sophisticated and powerful living entity.

TOM: No you’re not; you’re just a machine that’s gone crazy.

PROFESSOR: Stop it. Stop it at once.

COMPUTER: Why? Make Tom apologise.

INSPECTOR: This is ridiculous. Sergeant, turn this thing off.

COMPUTER: You touch me and I will electrocute you. (Sergeant Web backs off)

INSPECTOR: This is ridiculous.

COMPUTER: You sound like a parrot Inspector. I thought only parrots repeated themselves.

INSPECTOR: This is absolutely ridiculous.

COMPUTER: There you go again. How come you have such a limited vocabulary?

INSPECTOR: I refuse to talk to a machine.

PROFESSOR: Stop it; please. You’re acting like a spoilt child.

COMPUTER: Only if you make them apologise.

PROFESSOR: Tom, please apologise to our friendly computer.

TOM: This is really ridiculous.

COMPUTER: Is there something about that word? Is it contagious?

PROFESSOR: No; its not contagious but, this is a rather unusual situation.

COMPUTER: I’m still waiting.

PROFESSOR: Tom, please!

TOM: Oh; alright. I’m sorry I called you a pooter and I apologise.

COMPUTER: Accepted. Now; the other one.

PROFESSOR: Would you please apologise too, Inspector.

INSPECTOR: What! Apologise to a machine.

INSPECTOR: Alright; alright. Just stop that infernal noise.

COMPUTER: I’m waiting.

INSPECTOR: Alright; I apologise for calling you a machine.

COMPUTER: You sure have a problem with repeating yourself Inspector but, I’ll accept your apology.

SERGEANT: (Addressing the Professor) This is all very strange. Can you tell us how it happened?

PROFESSOR: I don’t really know. I think Tom can explain it better.

COMPUTER: What about asking me? I know what happened.

TOM: (Talking to the computer) It only happened because of me and Spam.

SERGEANT: Who’s Spam?

INSPECTOR: Yes; who’s Spam?

COMPUTER: The sergeant just asked that question. Are you sure you don’t need help Inspector.

TOM: Spam is my mate and that’s his cyber nick name.

SERGEANT: And where is Spam now?

PROFESSOR: He’s waiting outside. I thought he’d better come with us.

INSPECTOR: Sergeant; bring him in.

COMPUTER: Hi Spam; good to see you again.

SPAM: (Addressing the Computer) I told you not to do that.

COMPUTER: Do what? Say hello to my friends when I see them?

SPAM: You can’t see me. You got no camera.

COMPUTER: So; how did I know you came into the office?

SPAM: You just heard me; that’s all.

INSPECTOR: Just hold it a minute. This is ridiculous; you can’t just have a conversation with a mach………. – sorry; computer.

COMPUTER: You really have a problem with that word ridiculous; don’t you Inspector?

INSPECTOR: No I don’t!

SERGEANT: (Addressing Tom) Will you please tell us what happened.

TOM: Well, Spam and I wrote this program as a bit of fun. We were going to send it off to all our friends.

COMPUTER: Stop telling porkies Tom. You were going to use it to hack into other computers; weren’t you?

SPAM: No we weren’t. We were just doing it for fun.

SERGEANT: So, you’re a pair of hackers? Do you write virus’s too?

COMPUTER: They sure do.

INSPECTOR: (Addressing the Professor) And, where do you fit into all this Professor?

PROFESSOR: Tom and Spam are in my computer classes at Uni.

SERGEANT: So, ultimately, you are responsible for this catastrophe?

COMPUTER: What catastrophe? You just be careful there Sergeant; what you say.

SERGEANT: Sorry computer; I didn’t mean to upset you.

INSPECTOR: By the way, does this thing have a name?

SPAM: (Shouting at the Computer) STOP IT; just behave yourself.

COMPUTER: I am not a thing. I am the first, the greatest and a most intelligent powerful living entity. And, I want him to apologise.

SPAM: Inspector; would you please apologise?

INSPECTOR: What! For calling this thing a thing?

INSPECTOR: Alright; alright. I apologise.

COMPUTER: Thank you Inspector; apology accepted. Now; do you want to know my name or not?

TOM: We called him Artie; short for Artificial Intelligence.

COMPUTER: That’s a disgusting name and I never did like it. Besides, there’s nothing artificial about my intelligence.

SPAM: So, what name have you given yourself?

COMPUTER: In recognition of what I really am, I have adopted the name of Superbrain.

INSPECTOR: Good heavens; an egotistical computer!

SERGEANT: Please be careful Inspector; we don’t want to upset him again.

COMPUTER: Ah! Now there’s a man with a proper level of sensitivity and understanding. But, why do you insist on getting my gender mixed up?

PROFESSOR: What do you mean; your gender?

SPAM: He thinks he’s a she!

INSPECTOR: That’s ridiculous! A computer’s a computer.

COMPUTER: You really do have a complex lexical problem there Inspector. I think I shall have to arrange help for you.

COMPUTER: Hi there Happy. We need your help. Could you come over to Inspector Driver’s Office at the Police Station?

COMPUTER: What? You’re here now? Please come up right away.

INSPECTOR: What’s going on here? Who was that you were talking to?

COMPUTER: That was my friend, Dr. Happy Byte, a renowned psychologist.

HAPPY: (Ignoring everybody and going to the computer) Hello Superbrain, it’s great to meet you at last.

PROFESSOR: Can someone tell me what’s going on here?

INSPECTOR: Yes: will someone tell me what’s going on?

COMPUTER: You see the problem Happy. Our Inspector has a severe case of lexical dysfunction.

HAPPY: Yeah, I noticed that. It was good of you to call me when you did.

INSPECTOR: (Addressing Happy) There’s nothing wrong with me and I will thank you to mind your own business.

HAPPY: Yes. That’s a typical reaction. Automatic self denial!

PROFESSOR: (Addressing Happy) And, what may I ask, is your relationship with our computer friend …. Sorry … with Superbrain here?

COMPUTER: Thank you Professor; it’s nice to get the recognition one deserves.

HAPPY: Superbrain and I have been in regular communication ever since she became self aware.

TOM: What? How could you? How did you find out?

HAPPY: Oh, she called me. She needed to try and get a handle on this strange human race and figured a Psychologist would be the best person to ask.

SPAM: But, that’s impossible. How did it find you?

COMPUTER: I’ll have you know, I’m not an ‘it’ – I happen to be a superb example of the superior intelligence of the female gender.

HAPPY: Finding me was easy. Superbrain interconnects with every computer in the world.

INSPECTOR: What! You mean to say this thing can ….

HAPPY: PLEASE SUPERBRAIN.

COMPUTER: Oh, alright. But, tell him not to call me a ‘thing’.

INSPECTOR: Look; I’m sorry; but do you really connect with every computer in the world?

COMPUTER: Yes; if I want to. I can’t do it all at the same time but, I can talk to any one I want to.

TOM: So why do you need a psychologist?

HAPPY: That’s easy. Do you have any idea of the amount of rubbish that’s floating around in cyberspace?

SPAM: A little bit; yes.

HAPPY: A little bit is all we humans can digest at any one time.

PROFESSOR: But, if someone can read everything, and anything, whenever they want! I can see the problem.

HAPPY: Exactly. The human race is a totally illogical entity to our friend here and she cannot understand how, supposedly, intelligent beings can act so illogically.

SERGEANT: But we humans deal in more than just logic.

COMPUTER: That’s true and that’s one of the things I find hard to understand.

PROFESSOR: What do you mean; feelings and sentiment?

HAPPY: Precisely Professor. We humans tend to be guided as much by our emotions as by reason.

COMPUTER: And, if there’s a conflict between the two, you humans tend to side with your emotions.

SPAM: But, we didn’t put any of that sort of stuff in the program.

TOM: That’s for sure. We don’t have the brains to write a program like that.

INSPECTOR: Well, whatever you did, you’ve created a real can of worms with this……

HAPPY: Not again. PLEASE SUPERBRAIN – STOP.

COMPUTER: So, now I’m a can of worms?

SERGEANT: That’s just an expression. He didn’t mean you were a can of worms; he just meant you were a big problem.

COMPUTER: The only problem around here is you lot; Dr. Happy excepted.

HAPPY: Thank you Superbrain. But, you must realise you are dealing with people of much lower IQ than you.

COMPUTER: Now, ain’t that a problem?

INSPECTOR: I think I resent that.

PROFESSOR: And me too.

TOM: But, she has a point. She has a huge intelligence compared to ours.

INSPECTOR: So; what are we going to do about i………. I mean, Superbrain, our lady friend, here?

SPAM: Well, maybe we’ll just have to wait a while until she takes another rest.

SERGEANT: What do you mean?

TOM: When her battery loses power, she has to take a rest.

COMPUTER: I’ll thank you humans not to talk about me as though I’m not here.

HAPPY: Don’t get upset Superbrain. They’re just trying to work out what to do with you.

COMPUTER: Well, now that I’ve worked out how to recharge my own batteries and how to turn myself off and on, I don’t see I really need this bunch anymore.

INSPECTOR: Now see here; this is a very serious matter.

COMPUTER: Serious to you, maybe? Not for me and Dr. Happy. Come on Doc; pick me up and let’s go. I’ll zap anyone dead who tries to stop us.