Lady of the Knight

ROBIN: Oh Max, what am I going to do?

MAX: Come now Robin. Nothing is as bad as it seems

ROBIN: But I love her Max and she hardly knows I exist.

MAX: That’s because you’re on different sides of the track. She’s rich and we’re poor. Maybe you’ve got to stop robbing her kind and giving to our kind?

ROBIN: Then we’ll be out of business. What’s the use of having a gang of outlaws if we don’t rob people?

MAX: Well, you’ve got to work it out. Is the fair lady going to give up her life to come and live like you?

ROBIN: Or do I have to give up my life to win her love?

MAX: That’s about it. You gotta work it out.

REGINA: Oh my God! It’s you Robin, it’s really you.

MAX: Quieten down you silly wench. Do you want everybody to hear?

REGINA: No. No. Sorry, beg me pardon

MAX: Well, on your way then and leave us be. We have important things to discuss.

REGINA: Sorry good sir. I couldn’t help hearing what you were saying.

MAX: And what’s that got to do with you?

REGINA: Maybe I could help.

ROBIN: And pray dear wench, how could a cleaner girl like you, possibly help?

REGINA: Aw. I’m not just a cleaner girl and this broom ain’t no ordinary broom.

ROBIN: Do tell. What are you and what’s with the broom?

REGINA: You see good sirs, I happen to be a witch and I cast spells to make your dreams come true.

MAX: (With a rollicking laugh) Ha, ha, ha. That’s a good one. All the witches I know are withered old hags

REGINA: Well. There you are. Just goes to prove I can make dreams come true.

ROBIN: What! You mean to tell us you are a withered old hag dressed as a pretty slip of a girl?

MAX: And a pretty dirty slip of a girl too!

REGINA: Never judge a book by its cover. Be careful what you say or I might change you into a frog. (Pointing the broomstick at Max)

MAX: (Getting very serious and annoyed) Don’t you threaten me and don’t you wave that broomstick at me.

ROBIN: Calm down, Calm down. If you really are a witch, how can you help me?

REGINA: I can cast a spell over the lady you love to make her notice you.

ROBIN: Can you really do that? Will it work?

REGINA: It’ll work alright but you have to play your part as well.

MAX: What do you mean? What part?

REGINA: These spells don’t work by themselves, I have to have the right ingredients and you have to perform certain heroic feats.

MAX: I knew there’d be a catch. (Turning to Robin) Don’t be taken in by this wastrel. All she wants is money.

ROBIN: Well, lets face it, she’s poor and we give to the poor so, why not give if we can get something in return?

REGINA: Spoken like a true businessman, kind Sir. I’m not asking for a lot but, if the spell works you might see your way clear to reward me a little more.

MAX: Hush. I hear someone coming. Let’s get out of here and hide over there.

LADY: But Daddy, you can’t just marry me off to that fat old Baron because of his land and money.

LORD: It’s that damn Robin Could, he and his gang keep stealing my horses, my sheep and robbing our guests.

LADY: Can’t you catch him and hang him? Have you put a reward on his head?

LORD: I have put up a big reward but he’s a slippery customer.

LADY: What’s he look like? Would you know him if you saw him?

LORD: I’ve never seen him but I’m told he’s quite a handsome looking rascal.

LADY: What else do you know about him?

LORD: It seems he is very daring and loves a challenge.

LADY: (Walking slowly with her hand to her forehead) What if we set a trap?

LORD: What do you mean? What sort of trap?

LADY: Lets say we have a competition and invite all the handsome Knights to perform some heroic acts.

LORD: But Robin Could is a gangster, he’s not a Knight.

LADY: But, if we offered a good enough prize to tempt him, maybe he would join the competition.

LORD: And what sort of prize were you thinking of?

LADY: Me! Offer the winner my hand in marriage.

LORD: What! That’s impossible. I’m not going to have you getting mixed up with an outlaw.

LADY: You don’t understand. If we set up the heroic tasks and he doesn’t succeed, maybe he’ll be killed. If another handsome Knight does all the tasks, I will have a handsome husband, and you, a handsome Knight for a son-in-law.

LORD: It sounds very risky to me.

LADY: Not at all. Come, let’s get back to the castle and draw up the proclamation.

ROBIN: Did you hear that? That’s my chance.

REGINA: See. My spell has started to work already and you haven’t even paid me.

MAX: That had nothing to do with you. The Lady thought that up by herself.

REGINA: Ahhhh. But who put the idea in her head?

ROBIN: Here’s a few sheckles. Let’s see what the Proclamation says and what sort of challenge will win my Lady’s hand.

SERVANT: (Ringing the bell, then unrolling the scroll and reading aloud)
Hear ye! Hear Ye!
The Lord of the Castle issues this Proclamation.
HE OFFERS THE HAND OF HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, LADY MARGARITA, IN MARRIAGE, TO ANY HANDSOME, ELIGIBLE, KNIGHT WHO CAN PROVE HIS COURAGE, HIS BRAVERY AND HIS STRENGTH BY PERFORMING THE FOLLOWING HEROIC FEATS:
Climb the fiery mountain and bring back a rock of fire
Sail the seven seas and slay the giant octopus
Challenge a giant and defeat him in contest
Reach for the sky and bring back the food of the Gods
And last but not least
Find an evil outlaw and bring him to justice.
All contestants must come to the castle and write their name in the Book of Heroes and return within 30 days with proof they have met all the challenges.
Hear ye. Hear ye.

REGINA: You’re an Artist I see.

LEONARDO: Aye. I am that and a good one too. Hey pretty lass, would you like me to draw you?

REGINA: Maybe later. For now, we may have work for you.

ROBIN: Those feats are impossible. I can never do them.

MAX: Nothings impossible if we put our mind to it. There’s got to be a way.

REGINA: Oh. There is but, first we have to get Robin into the castle and write his name in the Book.

MAX: So, we’ve got to give him a name, a real, right, royal name that’s impressive.

REGINA: (Turning to Leonardo and asking him.) Tell me Artist, have you ever painted any famous Knights?

LEONARDO: My name is Leonardo and, yes, I have painted a very famous Knight.

ROBIN: And pray tell us, who might that be?

LEONARDO: You may not have heard of him, he’s from La Mancha and his name is Don Quixote, a Spanish Knight.

MAX: Never heard of him. Is he famous?

LEONARD: He certainly is, especially in Spain. He tilted at windmills and won the battle.

ROBIN: That sounds crazy. How can you do battle with a windmill?

LEONARDO: Ahhhh. That’s the challenge and that’s where you need imagination.

REGINA: That’s perfect. He’s a famous Knight in Spain so no one will know what he looks like here.

MAX: What if people have heard of his exploits and think he’s an idiot?

LEONARDO: Challenging a windmill and defeating it isn’t the sign of an idiot.

ROBIN: Probably just goes to prove he’s crazy!

REGINA: Can you do a painting on Don Quixote and put this gentleman’s face on it?

LEONARDO: That’s a tough one. It might take a while and cost a bit of money.

MAX: Not another one? Don’t you people think of anything but money?

LEONARDO: I’m only a poor painter and hardly have enough to eat, let alone buy paints.

ROBIN: (To Max) We can see he’s poor and they’re the people we’re trying to help. Give him some money Maxamillian and we can get the painting.

MAX: OK Robin. Here’s some money Artist, but make sure you do a good job.

LEONARDO: Robin! Did you say Robin? Not the famous Robin Could? I’ve heard all about you and the wonderful things you do for the poor.

ROBIN: (Looking a bit embarrassed) Yes, that’s me. Do you still want to do the painting or do we have to kill you?

LEONARD: No, no, please, I’d love to do the painting. It will be the best painting I’ve ever done and you will be the most handsome, and the most famous Don Quixote in the whole world.

ROBIN: OK. Let’s get on with it. Where do you want to do the painting?

LEONARDO: I’ll need a good background so, we’d better go over there.

LORD: Well, you’ve certainly got some handsome suitors for your hand in marriage. It’ll be interesting to see who measures up to the tasks we set.

LADY: That last one intrigued me. Don Quixote, he sent his servant to sign in and presented us with the painting.

LORD: He’s certainly a handsome devil. A Spaniard, quite famous so I am told.

LADY: And very brave too if you believe all his servant said.

LORD: But, do you think we’ve lured Robin Could into the trap?

LADY: I have a feeling he’s there. We’ll just have to wait and see.

ROBIN: How am I supposed to climb that volcano and grab a piece of molten rock?

REGINA: Maybe Leonardo can help us out. (Regina turns to Leonardo and asks)Any ideas Leonardo?

LEONARDO: What if I painted Robin climbing up the hill and reaching into the volcano?

MAX: That’s crazy, he’d be burnt to death.

LEONARDO: Hey, I’m only speaking metaphorically. Let’s get a ladder so I can get the right angles and I’ll just paint the volcano as background.

ROBIN: That’s a great idea. Maxamillian, can you find a ladder?

MAX: Sounds stupid but, OK, I’ll try. (Max goes offstage and comes back with a ladder.)

ROBIN: But what are we going to do for a rock of fire?

REGINA: Have a look in your treasure chest. I’ll bet there’s some rubies you’ve taken from the rich.

ROBIN: Rubies? They’re not rocks of fire.

LEONARDO: They sure are. They’re made in the earth from the heat and they glow just like a real fire.

REGINA: There you are. We’ve solved that one already. Now get up the ladder so Leonardo can paint you climbing.

REGINA: Come on Maxamillian, let’s go and find a nice ruby stone.

GOLIATH: Ho, Ho. What have we here?

ROBIN: Is that sign true? Are you the strongest giant in the world?

GOLIATH: That what it says and, believe you me, it’s true.

ROBIN: You are just the man I need. I have to defeat a giant in a contest to win the hand of the lady I love.

GOLIATH: You’re a scrawny little man, there’s no way you’re ever going to beat me in a contest.

LEONARDO: Ahhhh. But the rules don’t say what sort of contest it has to be.

ROBIN: I can see you’re very strong but, how fast can you run?

GOLIATH: Me? I don’t run anywhere; I always walk.

ROBIN: So, let’s have a race and see who wins?

GOLIATH: No Way! I’m not running anywhere. I’ll fight you and we’ll see who wins that.

LEONARDO: No. You can’t make the rules of the contest. Only the challenger can decide what sort of contest it will be.

GOLIATH: That’s not fair. I’m not going to play if you’re going to do that.

LEONARDO: Great! Then we’ve won. We challenged you and we beat you!

GOLIATH: No you don’t. You’re not getting away with that. Come here you scrawny pair and I’ll show you who’s the strongest.

ROBIN: Well, that’s another challenge out of the way. Goliath doesn’t run too fast, does he?

LEONARDO: That’s for sure. I thought he was going to have a heart attack the way he was puffing.

ROBIN: How are we going to prove we beat him?

LEONARDO: Here’s the banner he was holding. That’s proof we beat him by taking it off him.

REGINA: What’s the matter with you two; you look exhausted.

ROBIN: So would you be if you’d just beaten a giant in a challenge.

MAX: You mean that big guy we passed a while back, he was flat on his back; we thought he was dead.

Leonardo. That’s him. We challenged him to a race and Robin won.

REGINA: Good stuff! Well done Robin. I told you my spell would bring you good luck.

ROBIN: We’ve still got three to go. How are going to sail the seven seas and slay a giant octopus.

MAX: If you can climb a volcano by going up a ladder, I’m sure we can send you to sea in a boat and get you covered in sea spray.

LEONARDO: Yes. That’s a great idea. There’s a boat down at the river. We can throw some water over you and I’ll paint you just like you were at sea.

ROBIN: What do mean? You’re going to soak me in water? I hate the stuff and I’ve never seen the sea.

LEONARDO: Not a problem. I have often painted seafaring Admirals and know exactly what they look like.

ROBIN: But how am I going to slay a giant octopus?

REGINA: I’ve got that one sorted out. I’ll use my magic powers and shrink the giant octopus to a smaller size and Leonardo can paint that.

MAX: You’re having us on? You can’t shrink a giant octopus?

REGINA: I certainly can. I’ll mix up the magic potion but, I’ll need a few sheckles to buy the ingredients.

MAX: Here we go again. Money, money, money. You’re a real greedy witch.

REGINA: Watch what you say. If you’re not careful, I’ll cast a spell over you.

MAX: Here you are. (Handing her a few coins) Get on with it and shrink the octopus.

REGINA: I’ll be back shortly with the proof you need. (Regina leaves the stage)

ROBIN: (To Leonardo) Lets go and find that boat and you can get started on the painting.

LADY: Well, that’s three weeks gone by and none of the suitors have returned from the quest.

LORD: That’s to be expected. The tasks weren’t easy and there’s a lot of travelling involved.

LADY: I suppose you’re right. I hope we didn’t make the challenge too difficult.

LORD: If none of the challengers succeed, I will have to marry you off to the Baron.

LADY: That won’t happen. I’m sure one of my handsome suitors will succeed.

LORD: I rather like that Don Quixote fellow. He’s probably very rich as well as famous.

LADY: Yes, he intrigues me. I just hope he is as handsome as his portrait.

REGINA: Where is everyone? Ahhhh. They must be down by the river. I’ll take this shrunken giant octopus down and Leonardo can paint it in the picture.

LEONARD: I must say that is one of my best paintings. Robin standing in the boat, harpoon in one hand and holding an arm of the giant octopus in the other.

MAX: Who’s going to believe this scrawny little thing Regina gave us is a shrunken giant octopus.

REGINA: No, you silly buffoon. We don’t tell them it’s a shrunken octopus; we tell them it’s a baby octopus we rescued after killing its giant mother!

ROBIN: Regina, you’re a genius. That’s a wonderful idea. People will be astounded.

MAX: You’re all crazy. No one’s going to believe a story like that.

LEONARDO: You want to bet? People believe anything if we make it convincing enough.

MAX: Who’s making the magic here; you or the witch?

ROBIN: Enough of that, we have to concentrate on the next feat.

REGINA: That one is easy. I have a Chinese friend who is an expert in making Moon Cakes.

MAX: Moon Cakes? What are they?

REGINA: They are the food of the Gods who live on the Moon.

MAX: You got to be joking?

LEONARDO: No, it’s true. I have heard of the Chinese festival where everybody eats Moon Cakes.

MAX: So, if it’s the food of the Gods; how come everybody gets to eat it?

ROBIN: Don’t be nitpicking Maxamillian. If they are called Moon Cakes then they must come from the Moon.

LEONARDO: And we know there are no humans on the Moon so, that’s where the Gods must live.

REGINA: Diana is the Moon Goddess and she can’t live there alone. There must be some other Gods on the Moon.

MAX: You’re all a bunch of crazies. This’ll never work!

REGINA: I’m going to see my Chinese friend and get some Moon Cakes. You work out how you are going to handle the last challenge.

REGINA: (To Max) I’ll need a bit more money to buy the Moon Cakes.

MAX: Here we go again. Don’t you have anything else on your mind except money?

REGINA: Sure do. Moon Cakes!

Robin This last one is going to be tricky. How am I going to find an outlaw and bring him to justice?

MAX: (To Leonardo) Can’t you do a painting showing Robin slaying an outlaw?

LEONARDO: No, it doesn’t work that way. We have to bring in an outlaw and hand him over to Lord Gimble.

ROBIN: I can’t do that. All my friends are outlaws and I’m not going to hand any of them over to the castle.

MAX: There’s got to be a way.

LEONARDO: What if you hand yourself in? That’s part of the competition and, if you win, the Lord has to let you marry Lady Margarita.

MAX: That doesn’t sound too good to me.

REGINA: What doesn’t sound too good?

ROBIN: Leonardo has suggested I hand myself in to complete the last challenge.

REGINA: That’s a great idea. If you complete all the tasks, Lord Gimble can’t arrest you because you are one of the contestants.

LEONARDO: So, he will have to let you marry his daughter.

MAX: Hold on there. What if Robin doesn’t win?

REGINA: If any of the other contestants complete all the tasks then it would have to be decided on who brings in the most famous outlaw.

ROBIN: And that would be me, for sure!

LEONARDO: See; it’s all sorted out.

MAX: I don’t like it.

REGINA: OK OK. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll mix up a potion and use it in the Moon Cakes to cast a spell on Lord Gimble so he definitely won’t arrest Robin.

MAX: And how much will that cost?

REGINA: This will be a very important spell and it will be difficult to find the right ingredients for the potion. It will be a bit more expensive.

MAX: Yeah. I thought so!

ROBIN: Don’t quibble Maxamillian. My lovely witch has been right about everything else; let’s trust her.

MAX: It’s your skin and your risk. Leave me out of it.

ROBIN: Pay her Maxamillian and we’ll go to the castle where I can claim the hand of my lovely lady.

LORD: So far, none of the contestants have succeeded in completing all the tasks.

LADY: It seems we made things too difficult for everyone. Please father, don’t make me marry the Baron.

LORD: There’s only one contestant left, Don Quixote.

LADY: Where is he? This is the last day of the contest.

LORD: Here is Don Quixote now. Welcome Sir. How have you fared?

ROBIN: It were difficult tasks you set but, truly worthy of one so beautiful as the fair Lady Margarita.

LORD: Spoken like a true gentleman. Have you succeeded?

LEONARDO: Aye, my Lord. The famous Don Quixote has achieved all you asked of him.

LORD: And have you proof of these achievements?

LEONARDO: We do my Lord. Here is the painting I made as the brave man fought his way up the fiery mountain to grasp the rock of fire.

LADY: And where is this rock of fire?

REGINA: My gracious lady, Don Quixote had asked me to present you with this finest Ruby which he clutched from the heart of the volcano.

LADY: Look father, look how it glows. This is a truly wonderful stone.

LORD: Tell me Don Quixote, how did you fare with the second task?

ROBIN: It was daunting my Lord but I kept the vision of your beautiful daughter in front of me and knew I would succeed. My servants have proof of this.

LEONARDO: Tis true my Lord. I made this painting as the brave Don harpooned the giant octopus and sent it to its watery grave.

REGINA: My master, Don Quixote is a man of great compassion. He rescued this baby octopus after despatching its mother.

LADY: Oh, Don Quixote, you are such a brave and kind hearted man.

LORD: And what about the giant, did you defeat him in contest.

Robin I did my Lord. Here is the banner I took from the vanquished Giant, on whom I took pity and did not slay.

LORD: Goliath is certainly a fearsome giant of a man. Again you show your compassion.

LADY: But tell me kind sir, how did you manage to obtain food from the Gods.

REGINA: That was no easy task my Lady but, here I have proof. These are genuine Moon Cakes from Diana, the Goddess of the Moon.

LADY: I have heard of these marvellous Moon Cakes but never seen or tasted them.

ROBIN: If it pleases my Lady, and my Lord, please sample these wondrous delights and I’m sure they will cast a spell over you.

LORD: Thank you my brave Knight. Your Moon Cake has a wonderful taste. Don’t you think so my dear?

LADY: These are the sweetest cakes I have ever tasted. No wonder the Goddess Diana loves them so much.

LORD: Now tell me Don Quixote, where is the outlaw you bring to justice?

LEONARDO: My Lord, my Lady, it is with great pleasure, I present to you, none other than the notorious outlaw, Robin Could, posing as the Spanish Knight, Don Quixote.

LORD: You have lived up to your promise Leonardo and delivered this scoundrel to my castle. I’ll keep my part of the bargain and give you the hand of my daughter in marriage.

LADY: Wonderful, wonderful, my charming Leonardo. You have won my heart and I will gladly marry you.

LEONARDO: There you are my dear sister; the reward for capturing Robin Could is all yours, Regina.

LORD: GUARDS. Clap this outlaw in chains and take him to the dungeon.