The Parcel

ROSALIE: (Talking to a female at the receptionist’s desk) Could you give me your name please.

RUBY: (nervously) I er, I er, just want to leave this here. (Showing Rosalie the parcel)

ROSALIE: You can’t leave anything here unless you give me your name.

RUBY: I won’t be long. I’ll be back in a minute. (Turning to place the box on the seat)

ROSALIE: Don’t put that on the seat. Give me your name please.

RUBY: Be careful of it and don’t open it whatever you do. (Turning to leave the surgery)

ROSALIE: Hey. You can’t leave that here.

RUBY: (As she leaves) I’ll be back in a minute. Just don’t open it and don’t move it. (Ruby then rushes out in a hurry, colliding with Diamond as he/she enters.)

ROSALIE: Come back here, now!

DIAMOND: What’s all that about?

ROSALIE: That woman left her parcel here and didn’t give me her name.

DIAMOND: Doesn’t matter. I heard her say she’d be back in a minute.

ROSALIE: Maybe! It seemed very peculiar.

DIAMOND: Don’t worry about it. Anyway, I have an appointment with the Doc.

ROSALIE: Its Mr. Diamond, isn’t it?

DIAMOND: Yeah, that’s right. (Walking to the bench seat and about to move the box)

ROSALIE: Don’t touch it! She said not to move it.

DIAMOND: What? The box?

ROSALIE: Yes. The box. She said don’t open it and don’t move it.

DIAMOND: That’s crazy. It’s only a box.

DR. CLAY: What’s crazy?

DIAMOND: Some woman left this box on the seat.

DR. CLAY: Well, just move it and put it over there. (Pointing to a place on the stage)

ROSALIE: But she said not to move it or open it.

DR. CLAY: Why not? What’s in it?

DIAMOND: How do I know, I haven’t opened it.

DR. CLAY: Well open it.

ROSALIE: No, you can’t. We don’t know what’s in it.

DR. CLAY: This is crazy. Who was the woman who left it here?

ROSALIE: I don’t know. She wouldn’t give me her name.

GRANITE: What’s going on?

DIAMOND: Some woman left this box on the seat and rushed out.

GRANITE: Did she forget it?

ROSALIE: No. she left it here on purpose.

DR. CLAY: What do you mean; “On purpose”?

ROSALIE: She said not to move it or open it.

GRANITE: That doesn’t sound too good. What’s in the box?

DIAMOND: We don’t know. We haven’t opened it.

GRANITE: Is it making a noise?

DR. CLAY: Of course not. It’s just a box.

DIAMOND: What are you talking about? What sort of noise?

GRANITE: Well. Like a clock ticking.

ROSALIE: What do you mean? Like a bomb?

GRANITE: Yeah. I’ve seen bombs made like that with a clock to make them explode at a certain time.

DIAMOND: Yeah. And where have you seen that?

GRANITE: There was a movie only last week…….

DR. CLAY: You’ve been watching too many movies.

DIAMOND: That sounds about right. Who’d want to leave a bomb in a Doctor’s surgery?

ROSALIE: (obviously frightened) It couldn’t really be a bomb, could it?

DR. CLAY: Of course not. Nobody’s going to blow up my place.

GRANITE: Don’t be so sure. Maybe you have some disgruntled patients and they’ve got it in for you

DR. CLAY: (Looking a little bit worried) Certainly not. I know all my patients.

GRANITE: Well, are you going to see if it’s making any noises?

DIAMOND: What, the box? Hang on, I’ll have a listen. Just be quiet. (He goes over to the box and gets down on his hands and knees to have a listen)

DR. CLAY: Can you hear anything?

DIAMOND: No, nothing except a sort of rustling sound.

GRANITE: What do you mean, “A rustling sound”?

DIAMOND: It might be something moving. It comes and goes.

DR. CLAY: Thank heavens. It can’t be a bomb in that case.

GRANITE: Don’t be so sure. Bombs come in all shapes and sizes.

ROSALIE: Shouldn’t we call the Police?

DIAMOND: Awww. I don’t know. Shouldn’t we wait for a while to see if the lady comes back?

DR. CLAY: That’s alright for you to say; it’s not your surgery.

DIAMOND: You’re going to look pretty silly if it’s nothing serious.

DR. CLAY: Better safe than sorry. Rose, call the Police and tell them what’s happened.

GRANITE: Is there any smell with the box?

DR. CLAY: Why would the box smell?

GRANITE: It could be some sort of dangerous chemicals.

DIAMOND: You’re getting a bit paranoid. Nobody’s going to leave dangerous chemicals lying around.

GRANITE: It might be radio active?

ROSALIE: (Even more frightened) Don’t say that! It couldn’t be, could it?

DR. CLAY: (To Granite) Of course not. Don’t say things like that to frighten us.

GRANITE: I wish we had a Geiger Counter to make sure it isn’t.

DR. CLAY: (Turning to Rosalie) What did the Police say Rose?

ROSALIE: They are sending someone over. They should be here shortly.

DIAMOND: I think we ought to open it and see what’s in it.

ROSALIE: No, you mustn’t. It could be dangerous.

DIAMOND: Not that dangerous. The woman carried it in here, didn’t she?

ROSALIE: Yes, but………

DIAMOND: OK. Have you got a knife or a pair of scissors?

GRANITE: No you don’t. You’re no going to open the box.

DIAMOND: You want to stop me? (Moving towards the box)

GRANITE: (Moving to stand between Diamond and the box) If I have to.

DR. CLAY: Calm down you two. The Police are on the way; let them handle it.

ROSALIE: Please, don’t touch the box.

DIAMOND: Oh. Alright. You’re just making a mountain out of a molehill

SANDY STONE: OK. I’m Detective Stone. What’s the problem here?

DR. CLAY: A woman came in and left this box on the seat.

SANDY STONE: So, what’s wrong with that?

ROSALIE: She said not to open it and not to move it.

SANDY STONE: Did she say why?

DIAMOND: No.

SANDY STONE: And who are you may I ask? What do you know about the box?

DIAMOND: I’m a patient. I have an appointment with the Doc. I don’t know anything about the box.

SANDY STONE: That sounds a bit convenient to me. You turn up at the same time as the box.

DIAMOND: Hey. Steady up. That box hasn’t anything to do with me.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Granite) And what about you? What’s your story?

GRANITE: I came to see the Doc. That’s got nothing to do with me.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Doctor Clay) Is that right? Can you confirm that?

DR CLAY: That’s right, isn’t it Rose?

ROSALIE: That’s right. Both these patients have appointments. They came to see the Doctor.

SANDY STONE: So, who was the woman who brought you the box?

ROSALIE: She didn’t bring me the box; she just left it here.

SANDY STONE: And why would she do that?

DR CLAY: That’s what we don’t know. That’s why we called you.

SANDY STONE: So, what’s in the box?

GRANITE: We don’t know! She said not to open it and not to move it.

SANDY STONE: Who told you that?

GRANITE: She did. (Pointing to Rosalie)

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Rosalie) And why would you say that if you didn’t know what was in the box?

DR CLAY: Hey. Just a minute. Rosalie’s not the criminal here. Some woman came in and left the box and told us it wasn’t to be moved and we mustn’t open it.

SANDY STONE: Ah. So you were all here when this alleged woman came in and left the box?

DIAMOND: She wasn’t no alleged woman; I bumped into her as she was leaving.

SANDY STONE: So, you saw her and know who she is?

DIAMOND: No I didn’t see her and I don’t know who she is.

SANDY STONE: Let’s get this straight. One moment you say you bumped into her and the next you say you didn’t see her. Which is the truth?

DIAMOND: What I mean is; I did bump into her but I didn’t see who she was.

SANDY STONE: So, if you had seen her would you be able to recognise her again?

DIAMOND: How do I know you silly twit; I just told you I didn’t recognise her.

SANDY STONE: Just watch your language or I’ll arrest you for abusing an officer on duty.

GRANITE: Aw, come off it; they’re just telling you what happened.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Granite) So, were you here to see what happened? Can you confirm his story?

ROSALIE: I can. That’s exactly what happened. The woman came in here and left the box and bumped into Mr/Ms/Mrs (Depends on gender used) Diamond as she rushed out.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Rosalie) So, you saw the woman and let her leave the box here?

ROSALIE: No! I didn’t let here leave the box here.

SANDY STONE: But it is here so; how did it get here?

DR CLAY: It’s like Rosalie said; a woman came in and left the box on the seat and rushed out.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to the Doctor) And can you confirm that Doctor? Were you here when this alleged event happened?

DR CLAY: This is no alleged event. There’s the box; right there on the seat.

SANDY STONE: So, did you actually see this happen?

DR CLAY: No, I was in the surgery and came out after.

SANDY STONE: So, we only have one witness to what allegedly took place?

DIAMOND: Come off it Detective. I saw the woman leave. She was here and she left the box.

SANDY STONE: (Turning to Diamond) If that’s true, why didn’t you grab her and stop her leaving?

DIAMOND: How did I know what was happening?

SANDY STONE: So, there you are. We only have one witness to what allegedly took place.

GRANITE: What are you trying to say? That this is some sort of conspiracy?

SANDY STONE: Certainly not, at least; not at this stage. I am just trying to establish the facts.

DOCTOR CLAY: Well, they are pretty clear. A woman came in here; left a box and rushed out.

SANDY STONE: Well, that doesn’t appear to be all that is alleged to have happened.

DIAMOND: What do you mean, alleged?

SANDY STONE: Just that. All we have is this one eye witness’s account of the alleged incident that no one can corroborate.

DOCTOR CLAY: Are you saying my Receptionist made up the story?

SANDY STONE: No, I’m not saying that. I just need to establish what is alleged to have happened.

DIAMOND: Well, there’s the box. Why don’t you open it and see what happens?

SANDY STONE: Maybe I will once I know what’s in it.

GRANITE: But that’s the problem; we don’t know what’s in the box.

ROSALIE: No, you can’t open it. The woman said it wasn’t to be opened or moved.

SANDY STONE: Well, it can’t be too dangerous if this alleged woman is alleged to have brought it in here and, allegedly, placed it on the seat.

DIAMOND: There’s nothing allegedly about it. It happened. So, what are you going to do about it?

SANDY STONE: Don’t get smart with me (Sir/Madam); (Depends on gender) I’ve already warned you once.

DOCTOR CLAY: So, Detective; what are you going to do about it?

SANDY STONE: Well! I think the obvious thing to do is find out what’s in the box.

GRANITE: And how do you propose to do that?

SANDY STONE: First of all, I’ll have to make a close examination.

DIAMOND: We’ve already done that.

SANDY STONE: Ah. But this will be a proper professional examination.

DR. CLAY: That will be interesting!

ROSALIE: Just as long as you don’t open the box or move it.

SANDY STONE: My dear lady; I will conduct this examination in the manner I deem appropriate.

ROSALIE: Just as long as you don’t open it or move it.

SANDY STONE: Will you please be quiet and let me get on with my examination.

GRANITE: That’s a good idea. Please get on with your examination.

SANDY STONE: Thank you. Now, if you would all go outside I will get started.

DR. CLAY: No way! I’m not leaving my surgery and leaving you here alone.

ROSALIE: (Addressing the Detective) Do you think it’s a bomb?

SANDY STONE: No, of course not. I’m just taking precautions; that’s all.

DIAMOND: If you’re not going to open it or move it; where’s the danger?

SANDY STONE: There is no danger. It’s just a SOP.

GRANITE: What do you mean? It’s all just a joke?

SANDY STONE: (An aside to himself) God help me from these civilians. – (Then addressing Granite) No; it’s a Standard Operating Procedure.

DR. CLAY: Does that mean you’re familiar with these sort of situations.

SANDY STONE: Yes, of course. Detectives are trained to handle any event.

GRANITE: This is really going to be interesting!

DIAMOND: Well, are you going to start this professional examination or not?

SANDY STONE: I certainly will as soon as you all go outside.

DR. CLAY: I told you before; I’m not leaving here.

SANDY STONE: I’m going to have to call for reinforcements if you don’t do as you’re told.

DR. CLAY: That’s ridiculous.

SANDY STONE: No more ridiculous than hindering an officer in the course of his duties.

DIAMOND: We’re not hindering you.

GRANITE: That’s right; we’re not stopping you examining the box.

DR. CLAY: If you’re not going to move the box or open it; why can’t we stay and see how a professional conducts an examination?

SANDY STONE: I just told you; it’s a matter of Standard Operating Procedures.

ROSALIE: Then you do think it’s a bomb?

SANDY STONE: No, it’s not a bomb. It’s just a box.

DIAMOND: An interesting observation for someone who hasn’t even examined the object!

SANDY STONE: (Starting to get annoyed) Are you trying to be funny?

DIAMOND: Certainly not. I’m just making a comment.

SANDY STONE: Well keep your comments to yourself.

DIAMOND: Certainly Sir, if that helps you with your Standard Operating Procedures for conducting an examination.

SANDY STONE: Stop being a smart-arse.

GRANITE: We’re not being a smart-arses; we’re just making an observation.

SANDY STONE: AND YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS TOO.

DR. CLAY: Now, don’t you talk to my patients like that.

SANDY STONE: AND YOU STAY OUT TOO.

SANDY STONE: Good heavens woman; what are you crying about?

ROSALIE: (Sobbing) It’s a bomb and we’re all going to get blown up.

SANDY STONE: You silly woman. It’s not a bomb and nobody’s going to get blown up.

DR. CLAY: Don’t be rude to my Receptionist.

RUBY: Thanks for looking after my parcel. I’ve got to hurry. (Ruby runs off stage)

ROSALIE: That’s her. That’s the woman.

SANDY STONE: Where? What? (The Detective suddenly turns and runs off stage after Ruby.)

DR. CLAY: Well; that’s been a right, royal, stuff-up if ever I’ve seen one!